Monday, November 29, 2010

A few requirements before flying...

Late Saturday evening marked the return of my lovely wife from her vacation to Guatemala, in Central America. Kerrigan and I made the drive to Boston to meet Nichole at Logan Airport, and had a great time in the process. We had a nice little visit to the Museum of Science and then a dinner date at the Cheesecake Factory. After spending some quality time together, we headed over to the airport and took a little nap in the car before Nichole's flight landed just before midnight. She brought back with her many cool gifts, some amazing photographs, and some entertaining stories. One of the more entertaining stories, in my opinion, had nothing to do with Guatemala. In fact, it took place on the flight home, from Miami to Boston. While I found humor in it, Nichole was less than impressed. However, it did bring to mind a few things to keep in mind when flying...

If you have smelly feet, don't take off you shoes. Trust me, as a fellow smelly foot person, leave you damn shoes on. It may not completely mask your swamp foot, but it is better than exposing your sweaty socks to your neighbors. Nobody wants to know you that well, believe me.

If you have some goblins hiding out in your nose, your seat is not the place to start making your finger dance all the way up to the second or third knuckle. If you need to pick something out, make your way to the bathroom and use a damn tissue. Nobody wants to see you digging for gold in your nostrils, especially if you find something! Along those same lines, if you have a runny, stuffy nose, blow it out. Don't sit there and snort it back up. This sound is enough to make some people puke, and that is never good on a plane.

Before flying, take a shower. Nobody wants to sit next to a person that wreaks of body odor. Don't know if you smell bad or not you say. How about this, lift either arm and do a quick armpit sniff. If you don't think you smell good, the person in the seat beside you won't think you smell good. The showering process is very simple. Don't be afraid to try it out. And don't forget your deodorant!

I know that the arm rests are small, but be considerate. Don't just assume that the middle one is yours for the entirety of the flight.

If you have the urge to fart, ignore it. If you can't ignore it, make your way to the bathroom. Your neighbor does not want to smell your smelly butt air. It's not like you can open a window to make the smell go away.

Have long fingernails? Cut them before you leave. Didn't have time before you left? Tough shit, wait until you land. If the person in the seat beside me ever cuts their nails mid flight, they are going to get elbowed in the teeth. I don't want to ever find somebodies fingernail clipping in my vodka tonic or pretzels!

If you are prone to snore, don't nap. If you aren't sure, and you do snore, expect me to drive my elbow into your ribs. For example, I snore. Because of that, and the fact that I am too damn tall to fly comfortably, I don't sleep. Crisis averted.

The reason this all comes up is because Nichole sat next to that guy on her trip home. The thing is, I bet she isn't alone. I bet this same guy has sat next to you on flights as well. Now, these are pretty basic requirements in my opinion. Simply put, don't get on the plane unless you are clean. I don't think that is too much to ask. Remember, you are not flying alone, you have others around you. I'm just saying...