Friday, August 28, 2009

Speaking of milestones...

Woke up this morning with a little pep in my step, a little hitch in my giddyup, a little, well, you get the point. I felt good is what I'm trying to say. Why you ask? Well, it's Friday, it's a short work day, we have Kerrigan this weekend, we are going to check out Ray LaMontagne and Rustic Overtones tomorrow night, AND Sunday is anniversary numero uno for Marcole! Why wouldn't I be feeling good! And what do I do when I'm feeling good at home in the morning? I crank 80's hairbands, of course! This got me thinking about all the good, and some bad, that came out of the 1980's. Here are a few highs and lows, and feel free to add some of your own...

GOOD - Poison / Motley Crue / Guns'n'Roses. Dude, seriously, these guys were like my rock gods of the 80's. They could do no wrong in my estimation. Rocking songs, power ballads, they all ruled. I mean, seriously, Nothin' But a Good Time, Sweet Child of Mine and Girls, Girls, Girls, amazing!

BAD - Howard the Duck. Does anybody else remember that movie? It's about a duck with human like characteristics that tumbles from the sky (supposedly from a planet of other duck like creatures) and lands in Cleveland of all places. George Lucas, of all people, is responsible for this little gem, and if it weren't for the fact that he struck gold with nearly everything else he did, he probably would have called it quits right then and there. Two words... duck tits.

GOOD - Garbage Pail Kids. Who can forget Adam Bomb, Up Chuck or Dead Ted?! These collectors cards were like gold when we were kids. These cards were such a commercial success that they tried doing a film and television series, both of which flopped. However, the Garbage Pail Kids are still around today, with a new series of cards was released earlier this month. Foul Phil, Valerie Vomit and Ali Gator live on!

BAD - Manglors. Anyone remember this horrible little toy? It was basically a rubber like toy that would always go back to its original shape, no matter what you did to it. Apparently you could even rip its extremities off, and they would just reattach. Right... Something tells me this toy sucked...

GOOD - Nintendo. I don't have to explain how awesome the Nintendo Entertainment System was, do I? I mean, really, the coolest gaming system ever. Who gives a crap about graphics when you have games like "Super Mario Bros", "Mike Tyson's Punchout" and "Excitebike". I still have mine today!

BAD - 1986 World Series. This still haunts me, despite the fact that I was only 7. Bill Buckner. Ugh

GOOD - Larry Bird. If ever there was a man crush, this was my ultimate one. I was obsessed with Larry Bird in the 80's. He was Mr. Celtic, and his nickname says it all, Larry Legend.

Let me know your thoughts...

Monday, August 24, 2009

Post 100, it's like a milestone or something...

This is post number 100. It's kind of hard to believe I wrote enough crap to fill up 99 other posts to this point. What's even more amazing is that people are still reading along! Feels like quite the milestone if you ask me.

It's been an interesting few days with regards to news stories that have come out, thought I might pass some along, with my commentary, some you may have heard about, some you may have missed...

- Senator Edward "Ted" Kennedy passed away after battling brain cancer for the last year. Kennedy firmly believed in affordable, universal health care, and his long time dream may come true this year.

- A Wells, Maine woman pleads guilty of murdering her husband, by burning him in his sleep because he requested a divorce. Takes the whole "til death do us part" thing to a whole new level, eh!

- A chicken owner in Mount Vernon, WA shoots himself in the leg while hunting an opossum. Apparently the opossum had already killed 12 of his chickens, and he didn't want to loose any more. This wreaks of something that would happen on Trailer Park Boys, or up in Ashland, you know, up there in The County.

- Glenn Beck, of Fox News fame, accused president Barack Obama of being a racist on Monday. Now, Sarah Palin, via Facebook, is telling everyone that Glenn Beck is worth watching. While more people are tuning in to hear how Beck will react to the fallout from his comments, advertisers are pulling themselves from his program, and some from Fox News all together. Can someone please explain the Fox News slogan "fair and balanced" to me, because I appear to be missing something.

- Representative Barney Frank hosts a Town Hall meeting in Dartmouth, MA to discuss health care reform, and gives, what I think, is the quote of the year. A woman asks, "Why are you supporting this Nazi policy?" and Frank responds with "On what planet do you spend most of your time?" I'm, obviously, all for the First Ammendment, but scribbling a Hitler looking 'stache on Obama is downright stupid. Not only is it completely ignorant, it's also offensive. I salute you, Barney Frank. Thank you for making me smile as I play the video over and over again!

Just a few of the "highlights" from the past week or so. Thanks for reading the first 100 posts, and here's to 100 more, I'm just saying...

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Seriously?! Brett Favre?! Go away!!

Well, for what feels like the 8th season in a row, Brett Favre has decided that he really misses hearing his name on tv and radio and has unretired again. It's really only the second time, but come on dude, it's getting so damn old. Favre, after telling the Minnesota Vikings he wasn't coming back, apparently had some sort of revelation, or realized how much he hated being around his family, and signed a two year deal with the Vikings for 25 million bucks. Now, he can say whatever he wants, and you can believe him, but you should realize he is full of crap, and he came back for one reason, and one reason only, revenge. He is still hurt that Green Bay didn't make him an offer to stay when he retired the first time. News flash Brett, they were sick of the whole plan for a season without you, oh wait, you are going to play bullshit you kept pulling. Everyone knows you don't know when to walk away and will keep playing, quit turning this into a yearly soap opera. I would love to see Minnesota go 6-10 (sorry to any Vikings fans out there, nothing against them, I just can't stand Brett Favre) and miss the playoffs, all while Aaron Rodgers carries Green Bay to the top of the NFC North standings.

Now, don't get me wrong, Brett Favre was an amazing quarterback in his prime, and is obviously a lock for the Hall of Fame. I'm just so tired of hearing his name every 3 seconds on the television and radio. Everyone seems to think he will have a great season and lead Minnesota deep into the playoffs. Well, I'm pretty sure that if I had some protection, I could even get them into the playoffs. All you have to do is hand the ball off to Adrian Peterson and get the hell out of the way. Toss an occasional pass to Bernard Berrian or rookie Percy Harvin. Though, to be honest, Favre, at like 75 years old or whatever he is, is still a better option than Sage Rosenfels. I'm certain even I could start ahead of Rosenfels! Anyways, get your PBR ready and take a big old sip every time you hear "Brett Favre" on ESPN for the next few months. You won't be sober again until about April, just in time to hear rumors about whether or not he will retire again, I'm just saying...

Monday, August 17, 2009

A wedding, a trip to the E.R. and a few beers at a gay bar, another low key weekend.

This past weekend was one of the hottest weekends this summer, hands down. Temps were in the high 80's, probably up to the mid 90's at different points. Sounds like a great start to the weekend, right? Well, it was definitely an interesting start to the weekend, which was a bit all over the place, to say the least. Nichole and I headed up to Bangor for her little brother's wedding on Saturday, needing to get there by 5:00 for the rehearsal dinner. We arrived about 20 minutes late, as usual, and finished with the walk thru. After, we were all heading over to Margarita's in Orono for the dinner portion of the program. This is where things didn't go quite as planned. On our drive up north, I received a phone call from my doctor's office, and they told me that I needed to get myself to the emergency room as soon as possible, just to get some tests done, as I have continued to feel like shit for about two weeks. Earlier in the day I called to complain again of stomach cramping and nausea. Now, my primary care physician doesn't really know me, as I am a new patient of his, so as a precaution, he thought it would be good to go in and get some tests done immediately just in case. That being said, I spent 4 full hours in the E.R. on Friday night. Did the usual pissing into a cup and got some blood work done. The best part of it all was just resting in the little hospital bed watching the Red Sox game for a little over two hours. This was the longest I had relaxed in way too long. By the end of my visit, the doctor basically told me I was fine, and that I need to relax. Apparently I have a bit of an anxiety issue. When I was done, I called the wifey (who had gone to dinner, and then out for drinks with her family) to come pick me up. She was over in Old Town hanging out. Now this made me jealous, as this is the exact reason I was spending time in the hospital and not her. She has it figured out, and I am starting to take notes.

After a night of about 10 hours of sleep, I wake up refreshed and ready to climb into my black tuxedo and stand in the sun for a few hours. It is hotter than hell, first thing in the morning, not a good sign. Fortunately, the actual wedding isn't until 5:00 that evening. The ceremony is perfect, with the exception of the blazing heat. We go through the usual post ceremony photos, then head on into the reception, where they have a very tasty buffet spread set up, and some fairly cheap beers at the bar. We dance the night away, seeming to almost scare away the bride's side of the family. Late into the reception, some drunken douchebags from the reception next door find their way to our ballroom, and slug down a couple of beers before they are quickly escorted out before a few of us toss them out the front windows. The reception ends sometime around 10, and some of us want to keep the party going, so we head down town to the local Irish pub for some fine Dropkick Murphy-like tunage and many more rounds of beers. Problem with this being, the pub, Paddy Murphy's, was about the same temperature as the surface of the sun. We see from the window a bar across the street with plenty of available outdoor seating, and decide to head on over. On our way in the door, we are approached by a couple of men seeking donations to help benefit a local gay and lesbian organization, and the bar was occupied with a large number of short-haired women and rainbow bracelet wearing men. Not exactly the scene we were looking for, but the beers were flowing and we had a perfect table outdoors. Oh, and at this point, I'm pretty sure we were all feeling too damn good to even care!

So, needless to say, it was another interesting weekend for Marcole. After everything was said and done, we had lots of fun with family and friends, and even got our brakes fixed! This weekend may be just as wild, as we are heading to Boston for the Red Sox and Yankees game with good friends Ben and Heidi (also known as Bendi). Let's see if I can bank some sleep this week, just in case!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

The Real Rules For Guys, According to Yours Truly

In response to a recent blog post by good friend, and loyal stalker, Brandon, who posted his version of "Rules for Guys", I'm gonna give you some of his rules, with the addition of a few tweaks, and add a few thoughts of my own. The first 10 rules are straight from Brandon, with some changes. The rest are in addition to his...

1) Don't share your feelings. When hanging with the guys, this is absolutely the case, no argument there. It gets a little tricky with the ladies though, I think. My observation is that, for the most part, the ladies don't want anything to do with a dude who shares his feelings until they turn like 28, or they have dated enough douchebags to appreciate a man who is comfortable enough to open up to them. If you have found the right lady, sharing feelings will not only make her fall for you, it will help you get laid! That being said, don't get carried away you big pussy!

2) Pee standing up. Unless you were born with a vagina, you should pee standing up, I agree. Now, there are a few times when I would dare to challenge this. As Brandon said, when you are drunk, sitting is perfectly acceptable, unless of course you are using the urinals at The Great Lost Bear, where you have to play my favorite game, see how far you can walk away while still getting it into the tall pisser. The other situation I can think of, and perhaps I'm alone on this, feel free to let me know fellas, is when you are dropping a deuce. Now, I prefer to tuck when making stink so I don't spray myself. It doesn't make sense to me to stand and pee, just to have to then drop my drawers and sit down right after. Two birds one stone I say.

3) Don't make conversation at the urinal. 100% agreed, nothing good can come out of it. Although, I think I was our drinking one night years ago and broke this rule, and got myself a part time job out of it. Perhaps good can come out of it. Still, don't do it, it's just weird.

4) Don't go vegetarian or (gods forbid!) vegan. Dude, seriously, why would you give up eating meat?! I'm fully aware that too much red meat is a bad thing for you, but that doesn't mean you should walk away completely. I mean, really, bacon alone is probably the greatest food item out there, you are stupid to give that up!

5) With the exception of pizza, don't bake anything. This one I just can't agree with, despite my love affair with my grill. I'm from The County, you gotta enjoy the baked potato!

6) Exposing some cleavage? Showing some leg? Yes we will look. I agree, it's a natural instinct. It's no different than you ladies glancing at the lawn boy with his shirt off, or staring at the UPS guy in his tight brown shorts. There is a reason the lawn boy took his shirt off, he wants you to look. That being said, if you don't want us to sneak a peak at your half covered boobies, don't leave them half covered. You are inviting us to look, and trust me, whether you notice us or not, we noticed your half covered jugs, that's what men do.

7) Ladies, if you present a man with one of your problems, then expect him to come up with what he thinks is a simple and obvious solution. I agree with this one as well. I can't even tell you how many times I have been asked for my opinion on something, only to have the questioning lady do the opposite. Is that why you asked for my opinion, so you could decide what not to do? From now on I give the opposite advice, just to see what happens.

8) Bacon makes everything better. Well this is just obvious, and if you don't agree, I'll set you up on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney and Ted Nugent, good luck to you!

9) If you don't have chest hair, it doesn't mean you're not a man. It just means you're a lesser, more shameful man. I would have disagreed with this for the first 27 or so years of my life, but I am in complete agreement now, having finally hit puberty!

10) Beer is amazingly awesome and the ancients who stumbled upon inventing it deserve our constant gratitude. The top 3 greatest things of all time, in no particular order, are beer, sex and bacon. With these three bases being covered, a man can die happy, very, very happy.

11) Ladies, there are nice guys out there that will do anything for you. They may not drive a loud truck or a fast motorcycle, or treat you like shit, but I promise you, some day you will realize that all those nights you spent crying because the "bad boy" was a jerk to you means he is actually a douchebag. You aren't going to change the "bad boy, you better get used to it. However, if we are nice guys, guess what, you will be treated like a queen. It's crazy, but true.

12) Guys fart. Girls fart. It's alright, it's normal. It is nothing to be scared of or hide from. If you have the feeling some smelly air is coming, let 'er rip. On the flipside, be careful fellas, the ladies can be sneaky and use them against you. I once got dutch ovened by my wife with my own fart.

13) Guys like sports. Some of us get really into it. Lay off us, it's our thing. There are much worse things to get passionate about, trust me. For those guys who don't like sports, what is wrong with you?! Next you are going to tell me you don't like bacon or beer. You are dead to me...

14) If we say it's a shortcut, it's because we have already made up our mind and we want to go that way, don't try to convince us otherwise. We know we may not be right, but we really don't care.

15) We need a large television. We don't care if we can't afford it, or if we don't have room for it. A large flat screen, with HD of course, is an absolute necessity. In fact, if we have one, it's only going to make us want another one for a different room in the house. Hell, we would put one in every room in the house.

16) Not all guys are able to build a garage, or repair an engine, or even change their own flat tire. Not all dudes were created with that knowledge or ability. Some of us find it just as satisfying to pay someone to take care of our problems as others do fixing things on their own. I'm not less of a man because I just paid someone to mow my lawn, I'm just a few dollars poorer and much less stressed about the hay field that was starting to hide our house.

17) All guys want to be the bread winner in a relationship, no matter what they say. However, if you ladies are able to get a sweet gig that pays really well, and we are able to do something we love that pays less, we would love to do it. We want nothing more than to provide for you ladies, but not taxing our brains too much so we have plenty of time for Fantasy Football would not hurt our feelings.

18) Most guys play a fantasy sport of some kind, and you making fun of it isn't going to stop us. So many ladies laugh when they hear dudes are playing in a fantasy baseball or fantasy football league. Just because the word fantasy is in the name doesn't make it some weird science fiction freak show. Fantasy sports are a great time suck, and it helps us keep up to date on how teams and players outside of our normal viewing area are doing.

19) If we are single, and dating someone, unless you are jealous because you want to date us, don't tell me I shouldn't date her, or give her the cold shoulder. Guys are gonna date two kinds of ladies, the kind he knows he can wrestle with in the bedroom after one drink (sometimes referred to as a "slump buster"), or a keeper. We know what we are doing, we don't need you to give us your opinion on our busty bimbo date. Unless you plan on taking us out for a nice steak dinner, keep your opinion to yourself.

20) There is only one god, and his name is Chuck Norris. Remember, there is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Now remember, I didn't create the above rules, I've just been put on this earth (thanks to my parents, and Chuck Norris, of course) to follow them, I'm just saying...

Friday, August 7, 2009

Let's make a deal, or not.

So, word on the street is that television show "Deal or No Deal" is in South Portland hosting auditions to appear on the show with the highly germaphobic Howie Mandel. It's been kept pretty quiet in an attempt to not have too many people show up, which seems rather odd to me for an open audition. Anyways, I heard this from a co-worker of mine, one in which is planning on going, sees it as her best way to make it rich. This brings two questions to my mind...

1) What are the odds of actually winning on Deal or No Deal? I mean, statistically speaking, wouldn't your odds be better to win on scratch tickets or at BINGO? I don't think standing in line for hours to attempt to win a chance to be on the show is really worth my time, seems like a time fuck (a complete waste of time - soon to be in the Marcole dictionary, seriously, I'm working on it).

2) This employee, whose name I will not use, is not technically an American citizen. Wouldn't that be bad if she did make her way through the audition, and actually made it onto the show, and somehow beat the odds and won money?! They tax the winnings, and if you are not a legal US citizen, how does that work? Seems to me that she would be doing herself more harm then good by attempting to "make it rich" as she put it.

At the end of the day, I think it would be a blast to be on a game show, but I would much rather be on The Price is Right or Wheel of Fortune. I don't intend to spend a few hours of my time sitting in line to audition to hang out with Howie Mandel though, I'm just saying.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Baseball's "Steroid Era", does anyone really give a shit?!

It has recently come up, according to the New York Times, that Boston Red Sox designated hitter David Ortiz and former Red Sox slugger Manny Ramirez tested positive for performance enhancing drugs back in 2003. There is, supposedly, a list of 104 names of baseball players that failed the drug tests back in 2003. Other names linked to this list, but unconfirmed, are Alex Rodriguez, Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens. Now, I'm not condoning the use of performance enhancing drugs, I think it is cheating for an edge, and am glad that Major League Baseball is working toward cleaning it up. However, I also don't think that this should be a major story. At the time of this test, in 2003, performance enhancing drugs were not against any baseball rules. There was no restrictions when it came to supplements or even sticking a needle in your butt. Again, I am against the use of steroids or HGH, but there was nothing in place that stated players couldn't take these products. Therefore, why is this a big deal? It was clearly running rampant across the league. Other players, such as Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa have been suspected of using steroids as well. Thanks to these players, baseball fans came back tenfold after the strike shortened season in the 1990's. Baseball failed to put an end to all these suspicions sooner, so in my opinion, Bud Selig should be to blame. I don't blame the players, they were simply looking for an edge, whether it was to get their next big contract, or to bulk up in order to hit more homeruns.

Long story short, I think it is time to move on. Get the list out, tell us the names, and let's get on with our lives. These players did nothing legally wrong. None of them will be suspended for their actions. Stats aren't going to be taken away, neither are wins or even championships. This was the norm during the time period, I don't think it is right, but it is what it is, I'm just saying.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

A few things I need some help with...

After the incredible response from yesterday's post, I wanted to follow up with a few questions for all of you regarding things that take place in a bathroom. Now before you get all weirded out and close the page, or think you should move on to something else to waste your time while you should be working (psst, it's OK, I should be working now too...), this isn't going there. Give me your thoughts on the following...

How is there always urine on the toilet seat? Whether it is up or down, it always has a ton of piss on it. How does this happen?! I'm convinced that I always follow the five year old that doesn't have the whole "get it in the bowl" process down yet, and just dances while he pisses. My other theory is that I typically follow the blind man that stands there and sways until he hears a splashing sound.

Why does the party stall (the handicap stall, given that name because it is big enough to host a small party) always have a ton of toilet paper on the floor? Do people get that bored while they are leaving stink that they find it necessary to shred an entire roll of paper on the floor?

Does everyone but me bring either a sharpie or a knife to the bathroom with them so they can carve who they love or tell me about the man from Nantucket? Even my work bathroom says "for a good time, call your mom, I did!" What is wrong with this world!

Lastly, and seriously, who the hell burns a toilet seat? Do you do that while you are sitting there? Call me crazy, you can even call me a wuss, but I'm not sparking up a lighter right next to my twig and berries, just to see if the plastic toilet seat I am sitting on will melt. This seems ridiculous to me.

Am I alone with these thoughts?! Regardless of what I am going into the bathroom for, I am not planning on hanging out any longer than I need to. In and out. I'm not stopping to write stories about well endowed men from a small New England town, or pretend I'm a hamster and shred paper, or see if I can find a new target other than water, or even try to weld the toilet seat to the bowl. If anyone has run into these problems, or others, I would love to hear from you, I'm just saying.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Washington DC, where I learned you can never trust a fart...

I'm going to start out this blog by saying this is a little embarrassing for me. I'm also going to apologize for not having brought my camera with me, as pictures would have made this story better. All that being said, I went to Washington D.C. with Nichole and Kerrigan this weekend to do a whirlwind tour of our nation's capital. We visited the Air and Space Museum, the National Zoo and the Natural History Museum. We went to the Lincoln Memorial, White House and the World War II Memorial as well. The only problem with the weekend was my violent stomach cramps, sometimes actually forcing me to sit down and hold my breath, and my frequent trips to the many lavatories of the D.C. area. The following is a list of the top 8 facilities I visited, and why they rank where they do.

8. Lincoln Memorial - This was by far the worst. We got there late in the day, and you could tell. Not only was the smell horrible, but it was a complete mess in there. Tried to avoid it, but couldn't.

7. Air & Space Museum - Not so good, mainly because of how bad I had to go, and the length of the line. Listening to the kids screaming didn't help.

6. Baltimore Airport - Considering how quiet the airport was, you would have thought one of the 75 or so employees could have at least gone in there, sprayed some cologne and picked up all the damn toilet paper on the floor. I mean, that isn't asking to much. And who tries to burn a toilet seat? I mean, that is just weird.

5. D.C. Zoo - This wasn't too bad the first 4 times I went, mainly because we got there early and it was before all the little kids and blind old men started pissing all over the seat. As the visit at the zoo went along, I was getting closer to jumping in the lions den and using the bushes.

4. Natural History Museum - This one wasn't too bad. This was at the height of my horrible stomach cramps, and it wasn't as awful as I thought it might be. There were a lot of kids running and screaming around this place, so I assumed it would have been a pigpen. Not too bad, which is good, since I went about 4 times here.

3. Southside Restaurant - Spent dinner here on Thursday night, when all my fun times started. Not the cleanest place, but for some reason, the ashtray attached to the wall was interesting to me. Any place I can rip butts (which I don't do mind you) while stinking up the joint is kinda funny to me.

2. Aunt Dawn's place - Very clean and comfortable, and thank god, since I spent a lot of time in there. I went on average 10 times each morning before leaving the house, and probably 8 times each night before going to bed. Never a line, never a mess, can't beat that.

1. Cafe Luna - We had lunch here on Saturday. At this point I hadn't really eaten in about 24 hours, and the grilled cheese and bacon was incredible. I had a little dinner the night before, but struggled through it. This bathroom had all sorts of interesting quotes on the walls, and lots to look at while I sat there helplessly. It was also kind of funny to me to have a growing line waiting outside as I dirtied the air a little. I find humor in that, is that wrong of me?!

As you can see, it was a very interesting weekend for me. I saw the inside of more bathrooms in one weekend then I typically see in a month. The good news is I am feeling much better this morning. I guess it was also nice to lose 5 pounds over the weekend. If any of you find yourself in Washington D.C., battling a stomach virus, now you know which restrooms to visit while there, I'm just saying...