The Real Rules For Guys, According to Yours Truly

In response to a recent blog post by good friend, and loyal stalker, Brandon, who posted his version of "Rules for Guys", I'm gonna give you some of his rules, with the addition of a few tweaks, and add a few thoughts of my own. The first 10 rules are straight from Brandon, with some changes. The rest are in addition to his...

1) Don't share your feelings. When hanging with the guys, this is absolutely the case, no argument there. It gets a little tricky with the ladies though, I think. My observation is that, for the most part, the ladies don't want anything to do with a dude who shares his feelings until they turn like 28, or they have dated enough douchebags to appreciate a man who is comfortable enough to open up to them. If you have found the right lady, sharing feelings will not only make her fall for you, it will help you get laid! That being said, don't get carried away you big pussy!

2) Pee standing up. Unless you were born with a vagina, you should pee standing up, I agree. Now, there are a few times when I would dare to challenge this. As Brandon said, when you are drunk, sitting is perfectly acceptable, unless of course you are using the urinals at The Great Lost Bear, where you have to play my favorite game, see how far you can walk away while still getting it into the tall pisser. The other situation I can think of, and perhaps I'm alone on this, feel free to let me know fellas, is when you are dropping a deuce. Now, I prefer to tuck when making stink so I don't spray myself. It doesn't make sense to me to stand and pee, just to have to then drop my drawers and sit down right after. Two birds one stone I say.

3) Don't make conversation at the urinal. 100% agreed, nothing good can come out of it. Although, I think I was our drinking one night years ago and broke this rule, and got myself a part time job out of it. Perhaps good can come out of it. Still, don't do it, it's just weird.

4) Don't go vegetarian or (gods forbid!) vegan. Dude, seriously, why would you give up eating meat?! I'm fully aware that too much red meat is a bad thing for you, but that doesn't mean you should walk away completely. I mean, really, bacon alone is probably the greatest food item out there, you are stupid to give that up!

5) With the exception of pizza, don't bake anything. This one I just can't agree with, despite my love affair with my grill. I'm from The County, you gotta enjoy the baked potato!

6) Exposing some cleavage? Showing some leg? Yes we will look. I agree, it's a natural instinct. It's no different than you ladies glancing at the lawn boy with his shirt off, or staring at the UPS guy in his tight brown shorts. There is a reason the lawn boy took his shirt off, he wants you to look. That being said, if you don't want us to sneak a peak at your half covered boobies, don't leave them half covered. You are inviting us to look, and trust me, whether you notice us or not, we noticed your half covered jugs, that's what men do.

7) Ladies, if you present a man with one of your problems, then expect him to come up with what he thinks is a simple and obvious solution. I agree with this one as well. I can't even tell you how many times I have been asked for my opinion on something, only to have the questioning lady do the opposite. Is that why you asked for my opinion, so you could decide what not to do? From now on I give the opposite advice, just to see what happens.

8) Bacon makes everything better. Well this is just obvious, and if you don't agree, I'll set you up on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney and Ted Nugent, good luck to you!

9) If you don't have chest hair, it doesn't mean you're not a man. It just means you're a lesser, more shameful man. I would have disagreed with this for the first 27 or so years of my life, but I am in complete agreement now, having finally hit puberty!

10) Beer is amazingly awesome and the ancients who stumbled upon inventing it deserve our constant gratitude. The top 3 greatest things of all time, in no particular order, are beer, sex and bacon. With these three bases being covered, a man can die happy, very, very happy.

11) Ladies, there are nice guys out there that will do anything for you. They may not drive a loud truck or a fast motorcycle, or treat you like shit, but I promise you, some day you will realize that all those nights you spent crying because the "bad boy" was a jerk to you means he is actually a douchebag. You aren't going to change the "bad boy, you better get used to it. However, if we are nice guys, guess what, you will be treated like a queen. It's crazy, but true.

12) Guys fart. Girls fart. It's alright, it's normal. It is nothing to be scared of or hide from. If you have the feeling some smelly air is coming, let 'er rip. On the flipside, be careful fellas, the ladies can be sneaky and use them against you. I once got dutch ovened by my wife with my own fart.

13) Guys like sports. Some of us get really into it. Lay off us, it's our thing. There are much worse things to get passionate about, trust me. For those guys who don't like sports, what is wrong with you?! Next you are going to tell me you don't like bacon or beer. You are dead to me...

14) If we say it's a shortcut, it's because we have already made up our mind and we want to go that way, don't try to convince us otherwise. We know we may not be right, but we really don't care.

15) We need a large television. We don't care if we can't afford it, or if we don't have room for it. A large flat screen, with HD of course, is an absolute necessity. In fact, if we have one, it's only going to make us want another one for a different room in the house. Hell, we would put one in every room in the house.

16) Not all guys are able to build a garage, or repair an engine, or even change their own flat tire. Not all dudes were created with that knowledge or ability. Some of us find it just as satisfying to pay someone to take care of our problems as others do fixing things on their own. I'm not less of a man because I just paid someone to mow my lawn, I'm just a few dollars poorer and much less stressed about the hay field that was starting to hide our house.

17) All guys want to be the bread winner in a relationship, no matter what they say. However, if you ladies are able to get a sweet gig that pays really well, and we are able to do something we love that pays less, we would love to do it. We want nothing more than to provide for you ladies, but not taxing our brains too much so we have plenty of time for Fantasy Football would not hurt our feelings.

18) Most guys play a fantasy sport of some kind, and you making fun of it isn't going to stop us. So many ladies laugh when they hear dudes are playing in a fantasy baseball or fantasy football league. Just because the word fantasy is in the name doesn't make it some weird science fiction freak show. Fantasy sports are a great time suck, and it helps us keep up to date on how teams and players outside of our normal viewing area are doing.

19) If we are single, and dating someone, unless you are jealous because you want to date us, don't tell me I shouldn't date her, or give her the cold shoulder. Guys are gonna date two kinds of ladies, the kind he knows he can wrestle with in the bedroom after one drink (sometimes referred to as a "slump buster"), or a keeper. We know what we are doing, we don't need you to give us your opinion on our busty bimbo date. Unless you plan on taking us out for a nice steak dinner, keep your opinion to yourself.

20) There is only one god, and his name is Chuck Norris. Remember, there is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Now remember, I didn't create the above rules, I've just been put on this earth (thanks to my parents, and Chuck Norris, of course) to follow them, I'm just saying...