Friday, June 5, 2009

If you could do me a favor and give me back the last 2 hours of my life, that would be great...

So I had what may be the most bizarre job interview ever late yesterday afternoon. I had received a phone call in response to a resume I submitted for a blind post on craigslist back in March, and we had set up grabbing a coffee for Thursday at 4:00. Sounded pretty casual, which is always good. I was going to meet him at his office, then I assumed we would go grab a coffee and chat about the position (which I knew nothing about at this point, as it was an extremely vague post) and my qualifications. Let's just say, I was wicked fucking wrong!

I stroll into the office, the 3rd floor of the FedEx building on Congress Street. The receptionist, who I just rode the elevator up with, went and grabbed the gentleman who I was meeting with while I sat on the comfy couch out front. The big, burly, red head comes bouncing around the corner and shakes my hand and leads me to his little office on the back side of the building. We sit down and he starts grilling me about what it is I have done and what exactly I am looking to do moving forward. He goes on and on about how he needs an animal, someone willing to works 20 hour days and will be highly intense with him. He starts tossing out terms that I have either never heard of, or have stumbled across, but never actually applied to anything I have ever done. As is with most interviews, you will occasionally agree with somethings the interviewer says, just because you should, knowing full well that it will either never come up again or you will figure it out on the fly. Well, I got caught! He asked me if I understood what some term meant, and I said sure, of course. So he asked me to explain what it meant, and how I have used it in the past. Shit! I literally started laughing and said "you got me, I have no idea"! AWESOME, busted already. Fortunately, he seemed to like that I tossed some humor out, and he just kept rolling, seemingly unfazed by my lack of knowledge/truth. Phew!

Now after meeting with this guy for about 45 minutes, he sends in a consultant they have been working with for a while, who has been basically filling in the position I am interviewing for. This guy is a complete fucking whackjob! He waddles into the chair, sits down, looks over my resume and just starts completely picking me apart and belittling me. He questions everything I have done and then starts a game of 20 questions, accounting style. Have you done this, have you done that. Oh, that is wrong, you mean this, not that. That isn't right, you would do it this way to get this result. What the hell is going on right now?! Am I getting punked? Is candid camera fucking with me? I mean seriously, what the hell is happening. I just keep smiling, tossing back responses and never act flustered. This went on for about 20 minutes, finally ending with him telling me if I ever have questions to give him a call. Yeah, probably not dude, thanks.

Next was with a dude that had absolutely no personality, and even less interviewing skills. This snore fest went on for probably another 45 minutes. He told me how volatile the Italian owner was, and how his brother, the other owner, would just start screaming for no reason at you. He explained to me how there wouldn't be a desk for me and if I would rather have a basic bookkeeping job they are looking for one of those too. He went on and on about how laid back the place is, despite some early mornings and some late evenings here and there (doesn't that sounds kinda like the opposite of what dude number 1 told me?!). This goes on for a while, until he finally runs out of things to say (trust me, that happened long before the 45 minutes mark), and he brings me into the Italian owners office to introduce me.

The next five minutes have me shaking my head still, almost 24 hours after it happened, and perhaps for a long time to come. I am introduced, sit down, and he starts looking over my resume. He asks me what I am up to presently, and what it is I am looking for. I throw my usual Marky Mark charm at the Brad Garret look-a-like (the older, goofy brother from Everybody Loves Raymond) and he is completely unfazed. He looks at me and says... "I have to be honest with you, we had a couple of guys in here the other day with a lot more experience than you, and we are just going to hire one of them". Wow, alright. So basically what you are telling me is you just fucked me out of the last two hours of my life. I could have spent that time throwing sticks in the spokes of bikers, or skinny dipping with lobsters, or shaving a homeless dudes back, it all would have been much more rewarding than sitting through the freak show I was just a part of! I was just belittled, picked apart and basically told to leave, and for what?! Maybe next time fellas, you should all get on the same page and get your shit together, and don't bring people in for an interview if you really aren't interested, I'm just saying...