Here we sit, just a few days away from the fat man delivering us presents. Christmas snuck up pretty quick this year, I'm not going to lie. Fortunately, Marcole was prepared, and we won't be racing around Thursday and Friday finishing up everything. Now, perhaps I just dropped my cards in the mail about 10 minutes ago, but hey, we did them! It's always been a little difficult for me to fully get into the spirit when there is no snow on the ground, it just doesn't seem like it is possible to be late December already. Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for snow, I just find it harder to be mentally prepared for Christmas. However, since we are so close, I've found myself spending some time recently trying to figure out how in the hell we all believed the crazy story of Santa Claus. Let's break it all down...
A fat man in a red suit lives in the North Pole, has tiny elves that make all the toys for the kids, and when Christmas comes, he puts everything in his sleigh and flies all over the world to climb down each families chimney and deliver presents with the help of reindeer. I don't think there is a single part of that story that makes sense. Why, even though we were just kids, did we not ask more questions?!
There are, what, 6 or 7 billion children worldwide? How many elves work up in the North Pole? And why are they short? Do short people work harder or faster, or is it that Santa wants to ensure that he is the biggest guy, so people don't forget he is in charge? And where do all these pointy eared shorties get all their toy making smarts? I mean, as a kid I remember getting a television one year. Nowadays kids are getting cell phones, iPods, Wii's and many other advanced electronics. Where did the elves learn to make all those crazy things?
Lets say that there are 6 or 7 billion children in the world. How in the hell would all those presents fit in one stinking sleigh, and how in the world would it fly?! I was a gullible little bastard! Speaking of the sleigh, how did the concept of reindeer flying come about? Really?! Flying reindeer? Why not birds, or even unicorns?! At least they fly. Reindeer, not so much. And Rudolph with a glowing nose, was he sniffing around a nuclear waste spot? How did he get a red, glowing nose? And how fast did they go in order to make it all over the world in one night? I guess my limited knowledge of time zones was how I justified it in my head?!
When delivering presents, Santa, who is fat, slides down the chimney to enter the house. First of all, a fat man is not fitting down a chimney. A skinny man isn't fitting down most chimneys. And what about people that live in apartment buildings that don't have a fire place with a chimney for Santa to climb down? You leave the door unlocked in the projects and you won't have presents delivered, you'll have all your shit removed!
Milk and cookies. Were did that start? Why not chips and dip and a beer? If I were Santa, I would want people to leave me grilled cheese sandwiches and PBR. I might be drunk by the end of the night, but it would make for an interesting night! And how the heck could one person possibly eat something from every home he visits? I guess that explains why he is fat. He must also be diabetic too!
It's funny, looking back, I wonder why I didn't question things a little more. I think it was because I was duped for so long, I just wanted to believe it was all real. That was always one of the joys of Christmas, believing that Santa was coming to deliver presents to my sister and I. I'm hoping my daughter never stops believing, it is what makes Christmas so much fun to me. Which reminds me, time to drop her letter to Santa, that she just gave me this morning, in the mail! I'm just saying...
About Me
- Mark
- I've always wondered if people actually read this stuff. I never do when I'm on other pages. Well, in case, for some strange reason, you find it necessary, I'll give you a little knowledge. I was born in The County. For those of you who don't konw better, that would be Aroostook County. For those of you who do, your jokes won't work on me, they are lame. I'm the son of an investment banker that squandered his every penny on tuna fish sandwiches in the late 80's, and my mother was the lead singer for the Bangles. Neither of those is true, but again, I'm convinced nobody is reading this anyways. I met my wife at a carnival, and we were married by the bearded lady in front of the entire clown brigade. I have a daughter who is training for the 2012 Olympics where she will compete in the Triple Jump and Javelin. We live in a nice little shanty in the woods and are hoping to one day have running water. Any questions?
