Alright, wow. I mean, seriously, wow. One hour and ten minutes to drive from the parking garage at the Portland Harbor Hotel to Howie's Pub on Veranda Street, just off Washington Ave. I'm pretty sure I could have walked it quicker, but no, I was driving. Now, I have lived in Maine all of my "driving years", and no matter how much or how little it is snowing, the concept is still the same. Slow it down a bit, give a little extra room between yourself and the car in front of you, and don't drive like a jackass. Well, tomorrow may just go down in history as the largest shit show on snow that there ever was.
It started to snow late in the afternoon yesterday, and despite the weather people actually predicting it, a large number of people were completely unprepared and collectively shit in their pants. I left the office at 5:40 to pick up my beautiful wife in Monument Square and then head over to Howie's Pub for 2-1 pizza and cheap ass Rolling Rocks. I had no idea what I was getting myself into until I rounded the corner on the back side of $3 Dewey's and saw traffic at a stand still in every direction. Something must have happened, there was maybe 3 inches of snow, it's not like that many Mainers can't drive in a little snow. Shit, in The County, that is a dusting, and might even happen in July. This is nothing.
Well, apparently in the time that passed since our last snowfall, last spring, everyone completely forgot how to drive in the fluffy white stuff. It took me nearly 5 minutes to pull out of the parking garage, and of course I'm directly behind the dumb ass in a tiny car with 4 bald tires. Quick note to those of you who don't have a vehicle that is good in the snow, don't slam on the gas, that doesn't help you. This foolish broad was just dropping the hammer on the gas pedal and all she was doing was making the roads more slick, and further hampering her attempt to move forward. Finally, after about another 10 minutes, we make it up past the light on Fore Street, and I'm all the way up next to Walters. Sitting. Waiting. Swearing. Unfortunately I'm still stuck behind the brainiac with bald tires, and we have a steeper incline, awesome!
At this point, people are all over the road, so there is really no way for me, in my SUV, to sneak past them while they search their memory bank for a way to get their car moving. Before I go any further, I'm going to make a quick plug for my buddy Nick and his business Tire 2 You. Check him out, he is great! Anyway, I finally have enough room to sneak past this stupid car and people push her up the hill and she stays in front of me, damnit! Now I'm up by the Nickelodeon Theater, and it's been probably 25 minutes.
Anyways, I could continue to tell you about the entire drive, but I think you get the picture at this point. Several things I learned and feel the need to share with the fine drivers or Greater Portland and beyond. If you don't have snow tires and need them, get them (Call NICK!). If you have snow tires and you are still having a difficult time, get a new car. If the light is red, don't try to make it through and get stuck in the middle of the intersection, that makes a freaking mess and screws everyone over. Oh, and remember, we live in Maine, you've been through this before. There is absolutely no reason for 3 inches of snow, that the meteorologists told us we were going to get, should cause any sort of traffic issues. Here's hoping the next storm brings less congestion and confusion, oh, and less rage! I'm just saying...