I don't know you, but I already know too much about you...

Ah, the gym. There is nothing better than getting in a good workout at the gym. Whether you go to the local YMCA, Planet Fitness, Globo, Average Joe's or the one in your very own basement, there is no better feeling than getting the heart rate up and working up a good sweat. Morning, afternoon or night, it makes no difference, it's typically pretty busy, filled with both out of shape people and those that are in such good shape you want to punch them. Everyone is working towards different individual goals, but the end results are all the same, getting into better shape, or maintaining your current level of fitness.

We go to the YMCA in New Gloucester, located at the Pineland campus. It's perfect. It's right down the road from us, it has a swimming pool, basketball court and all of our preferred exercise equipment. It even has a 4 lane candle pin bowling alley! There are tons of local trails for hiking, mountain biking and cross country skiing. It's a wonderful setting, and a great little gym. Our membership also allows us to use the Freeport and Portland YMCA's, so it's really a great deal for us. The hours aren't great, but we make it work.

Speaking of making it work, we went this morning, getting there when they opened at 6AM. I got in a little over two miles on the treadmill and played some basketball. It felt good and woke me right up for the long day ahead. Now, since we had to go straight to work after, we brought our shower stuff and work clothes. I cleaned up in my little shower stall, got dressed, shaved and got myself already. No problems. But what is the deal with people just hanging out naked in the locker room?! Just walking around, having conversations, no towel around their waist, not even a pair of tighty whiteys?! Dude, I don't even know your name, I don't really want to have a conversation with you about your neighbor while you towel off your man parts. Am I alone in this? When did this become socially acceptable? Is this normal? And why is it usually older men, the one's that gravity and time have been least kind to? Do me, and everyone else that hasn't eaten breakfast yet a favor, cover up! I'm just saying...

Eat, drink and be merry, but don't forget to stop at some point!

The Eagle's Deli in Boston has a variety of eating challenges. I threatened to try one on for size on Saturday, then I chickened right the hell out! Upon walking into the deli, I read the sign, saw the lines of people, and felt my testicles, and all their fortitude, shrivel right up and beg me not to try it. I completely wimped out, like a freaking coward! Now, keep in mind, the big burger challenge is 5 pounds of burger, 20 slices of cheese, 20 strips of bacon and 5 pounds of fries, so it was a pretty damn big challenge. However, there were other challenge options, of smaller stature, and I still didn't try one. I vow to start with the smaller challenge the next time I go down, and attempt to work my way up to the biggie. I can't walk away with my tail between my legs twice!

Also on Saturday was the big Extreme Beer Summit, where beers of many varying varieties were on display. I tried a bacon flavored brew called "Oink Oink", a caramel apple beer name, well, Caramel Apple Beer, and had several delicious creations from Dogfish Head Brewery out of Randall, a flavor infusing contraption they came up with years ago. This brew fest wasn't like others we have been to. For starters there were no tickets. You were given a four ounce plastic cup and could drink as much as your heart desired, and we did just that. With a name like Extreme Beer Summit, you expect beers well over 10% aplenty. Not really the case, though there were some big boys, including the Sam Adams Utopia (which was gone before I got a chance to try it). It was named Extreme more for the use of ingredients, the flavors and the taste. Potato Maple Porter was one of my favorites, coming in just behind Hop Stupid, out of a small brewery in California named Lagunitas. All in all, lots of great beers, a handful of brews I wouldn't drink with someone elses taste buds, and a lot of fun. Well worth waiting out in the cold for 30 minutes for.

Also had my first Sonic Drive-In experience yesterday. I like the concept behind it, old school drive in meets modern fast food chain. We pulled up to our bay and ordered, what seemed like, enough food to feed a ship of people. Within five minutes a girl on roller skates was standing there with a giant tray of burgers, tater tots and milkshakes. Impressive. The food, less than stellar. I expected a little more flavor in my jalapeno burger, but it is still fast food after all. The milkshake, a peanut butter fudge concoction, was excellent. All in all, a cool place, and a great fix for a hangover.

Great weekend of eating and drinking with the Flynn's. We overindulged on a little bit of everything, and now it is time to walk away from the table and hit the gym, my pants are begging me! I'm just saying...

Mark vs. Food, do I have what it takes?!

I'm a big fan of Adam Richman and the Travel Channel's Man vs. Food program. I love seeing all the different eating establishments and pig out spots around the country. We he and his crew came to Boston, one stop he made was at Eagle's Deli, in Brighton, near the BC campus. Should I attempt the Chillerama burger, 5 lbs of meat, 20 slices of cheese and 18 slices of bacon? If you can choke down this bad boy in an hour, you can ignore the $50 price tag and it's all yours, free of charge. Could be a pretty costly mistake, but a really good way to rid myself from a self induced hangover, or to REALLY coat my stomach for the Extreme Beer Festival tomorrow. Hmmmm...

Now, what are the chances of getting Man vs. Food to bring their road show up to Portland? Do we have any local food eating challenges? All I can think of right off the top of my head is the Federal Deficit at Governor's. However, this has gotten me thinking about where Adam could go if he did make a trip to Portland. Where could he get some really good food, in a neat atmosphere. What local spots really represent the best of Portland? I have three thoughts, tell me what you think...

1. The Great Lost Bear. I'm craving it just thinking about it. With 60 plus taps on the wall, and a wide ranging menu, GLB isn't just good, it's become a destination for anyone who likes either beer or food. This place is exactly the type of pig out spot Man vs Food usually checks out. Poorly lit, an amazing list of local brews, giant plates of food and cheese sauce, sign me up!

2. The Portland Lobster Co. If you want a great lobster roll with an equally enjoyable view, head to Portland Lobster Co. It's on the water and they have an amazing selection of locally harvested seafood, from lobster and shrimp to steamers and mussels, they will satisfy any seafood craving you may have. They make a kick ass grilled cheese sandwich too. Grab some grub, a local beer and hit the deck on any Saturday or Sunday night during the summer and take in some music from any number of local musicians. Now that is Portland.

3. Silly's. For me, this place is the shit. Vegan, no problem. Carnivore, got ya covered. Hipster, PBR by the can. Elvis fan, it's your dream come true. This place has a little bit of everything, all rolled into one tiny space, a tiny space that has more to look at than you have time to check out. For me, it's a milkshake and their version of buffalo chicken and fries. It's fangoddamntastic! Check it out in the summer, when you can leash your doggy friend to a table on the patio and enjoy a meal while under the shade of a tree. You will leave full and happy, I promise you.

Now, these places don't have eating challenges, though I think they should. They just happen to be a few of my favorite spots, and places I think sum up Portland pretty well, and are the type of place Adam Richman typically goes to. Anyone have other thoughts? All this talk about food has me hungry, but I need to save myself for the giant bacon cheese burger! I'm just saying...

Is it real, or are we just giant suckers for falling for it?!

Conspiracy theories, they are always popping up out there. A celebrity passes away, someone thinks it was set up. A sports team wins a championship, it must have been the leagues doing. The list goes on and on. I have put together a handful of conspiracy theories I find interesting, either because I may possibly believe them, or I just feel like making fun of them! Here we go...

1. JFK assassination. There are a large number of theories to what really happened on November 22, 1963 in Dallas. They range from mafia members being involved to a plot by Lyndon Johnson and the CIA, and everything in between. Now, I'm not going to say it wasn't Lee Harvey Oswald, I'll just say I think there may have been more involvement than that. Anytime something like that happens, it's not just some whack job hiding in a building. There is usually more people involved than that, and more often than not, the gunmen isn't the mastermind, he is just the fall guy, the one willing to take the shot and the wrap for someone else. Plus, like must government follow up work, the Warren Commission's (the commission on the assassination of JFK) report was full of holes and flaws. I think there is more to this story...

2. Global Warming. Let's admit it, back when it was first brought up back in 1990, we thought it was crazy. I mean, why can't we just constantly pollute the air with aerosols and carbon monoxide, toss batteries into the rivers and streams and drive Hummers? What is the harm in that? Oh, right, these are bad for the ozone layer and a waste of natural resources. Why would we ever want to use clean energy sources and drive hybrid vehicles? Are you trying to tell me that using compact fluorescent light bulbs instead of traditional ones would create less waste in trash collecting facilities, causing less need for dump trucks and other heavy machinery, therefore less emissions. Oh, and let's just ignore the fact that Portland, Maine has little to no snow on February 18th and that the polar ice cap is melting. And lastly, let's not let scientific research stand in our way of reality either...

3. The NBA wants Boston, L.A., Chicago and NY to win every year. Now, on the one hand, it makes some sense. I mean, the four largest sports markets in the US, ratings would be through the roof. On the other hand, let's look at it a little closer. The Knicks are terrible. They have been for years. Before that, the Celtics were god awful through the 90's. I mean, they sucked, it was painful to be a fan of theirs. The Bulls have been pretty poor since Jordan left town. There were some pretty lean years in L.A. before Kobe and Shaq got them back in business, and let's not even get started on the Clippers, they have never been good. Could it just be that while the Celtics and Lakers have had good teams over the years, it is merely because team management knows what they are doing? Could they have benefited from some of the greatest coaches in the history of the game? Have they not had a good combination of the greatest players to ever play? While I think that the NBA would never complain if any or all of the big 4 were in it at the end each year, there is not something going on behind the scenes to make it happen. If so, I would like David Stern to make some things happen for my Celtics, please!

2. The Patriots winning Super Bowl XXXVI, back on February 3rd of 2002. Why you ask? Well, it was shortly after the September 11th attacks, and the US was at it's patriotic peak at this time. You couldn't find an American flag at stores, they were all sold out. You saw flags hanging from every home, car and business. Red, white and blue fever was sweeping the nation, and what colors do our beloved football team from New England wear? That's right, you are quick! Now, what is the team name again? Oh, Patriots. Nothing more perfect than seeing Patriot Pete carrying the American flag! However, to suggest that Tom Brady and company didn't win it fair and square is a pile of poop. Or maybe I'm just a homer...

1. Speaking of September 11th. What happened on September 11th, 2001, was one of the most horrific events that has ever happened during my 30 years on this planet. I'll never forget where I was when it all took place, and I'll always remember the way I felt, and how everyone reacted after. However, it took all of about one hour for people to start questioning things. Starting with the collapse of the first tower. Then the collapse of the second tower, and then Tower 7. Have you ever looked at it, like really watched it happen? At the time, it was terrifying, we were too caught up in shock to really see what had happened. Does a building, burning in the middle, up towards the top, crumble on top of itself like that? And then it happened again and again. A total of three times in the history of recorded events this has happened, all three on that day in New York City. Now, I'm not pointing my finger at anyone in particular, but I for one think that a full investigation should be done. That has already happened you say. Right, I know. This time I would suggest it is done by someone that has no ties to the government. Someone that doesn't have a father that is up for re-election, or a brother that is an elected official. If you really look at things, a lot of pieces of critical info was overlooked, a lot of things have gone unexplained, and a lot of people are left with unanswered questions. I'm just saying...

I would like those last two hours back, please!

Saturday was a pretty busy day for us. I had to do the usual run to the transfer station, get the car washed, return our bottles and get ready for Nichole's big birthday bash at Rivalries. Add to that the fact that we had friends at the house, Nichole had plans to get a little shopping in, and we all had lunch plans we were looking to keep, all while maintaining a departure time of 6:30 to ensure on time arrival that evening at Rivalries. As many of you know, hell, you all know, Nichole and I aren't know for our punctuality. We don't need any reason, no matter how small, to slow us down. Well, we got that and then some on Saturday, around noon thirty. Here is some background info...

Last Monday night, the phone rings and it is a Maine cell phone number. Assuming it is one of our friends calling the house, I answer it, only to have that annoying pause, then a distant sounding voice ask me if I have a minute to do a quick survey. Now, I don't normally do these sorts of things, I typically say no thanks and hang up, but because of it being a local number, I decided to give it a try. It lasted about 3 minutes, asking just a few questions, mainly about cleaning products, more specifically, about our vacuum. They ended the call with the usual "we will be selecting a lucky caller to win a prize, so if we select your name, we will get back to you". Sure, sounds good, as if they would ever call me back. Well, Thursday night they call back, informing me that I have won. Sweet, now which do I prefer, the air purifier or the steak knife set? Aromatic air purifier sounds fun, let's go with that one I say. "Sounds good, we will bring it to your house between 12 and 12:30 on Saturday". Now, keep in mind I didn't give them our address, so I assume this is all over with and it basically left my brain at that point.

Fast forward to Saturday. I'm in Gray, washing the car with my buddy when Nichole calls with panic in her voice. The guy with our prize is there and I need to come home right now! Well, I tell her to have him present the prize to her and we are all set, right? Nope, not even close. I finish cleaning the car and head home, only to find this dude's car still in the driveway. I found this a little odd, but whatever, I'm home, he can give us our prize then be on his way. I was wrong again.

Ever heard of the company HYLA? Neither had I. Dick, the HYLA salesman spent the next two hours giving us this corny-ass presentation, describing how horrible regular vacuums are and how we are slowly killing ourselves by spreading germs, dust mites and dust and breathing it, and how the HYLA eliminates that. The HYLA is a vacuum that uses water as a filter, as opposed to bag filters like regular vacuums, and they claim it is much cleaner and better for your health in the long run. Now, I don't necessarily doubt him, the presentation made sense to me. I was close to being sold on it, but I had absolutely NO intention to buy it then and there. I like doing a little light reading before making decisions, check out Consumer Reports or even just scour the net to see what people have to say about them. Well, as we get to the end of the presentation (oh, and Nichole totally left me out to dry on this one, leaving to finish getting ready for the day) he finally gets to the price of the product. Any guesses? $500? $1000? Nope, this fancy little do-hicky comes in at a cool $2688!!! Are you freaking shitting me?! Oh, but he did offer me $500 off for sitting through the presentation. Wow! Well, let's just say he wasn't accepting no as an answer, but you better believe that is what he got!

He spent the next ten minutes trying to come up with a way that I would purchase the machine. He offered delayed payments starting in three months. He tried everything, and you could see his frustration level rising as I continued to say no to him. Then he started the guilt trip. Now, I come from a Catholic family, guilt trips are used often, I'm used to them, and I have learned to ignore them. Well, good ole Dick is pretty angry at me at this point. He says, "well, I guess I will have to clean this thing out, I just assumed I would be leaving it here with you." Dude, I'm sorry, maybe you should have yourself a display model?! Then he thrashes around in the sink, cleaning it out, using damn near a roll of our paper towels. After spending about 20 minutes cleaning it out and putting it all back in the box he is finally on his way, right? Not just yet...

Our "prize", the air purifier, has a variety of scents that can be added to the water to deodorize the room it is in. He put a splash of something in when showing us how it worked, so one bottle of the four pack had been opened. Now, normally the four pack of scents sells for $25, but because he cracked one of them open, he would sell us the four pack for just $21, what a steal! Well, I told him I couldn't afford to buy it because we just had a few bucks left and planned on using that later that evening when we went out to party. Now, this wasn't true, but he didn't need to know the difference. As he loaded up his goods, he made sure to make fun of me about a dozen times for being too broke to even afford the scents, saying I need a new job or to get a raise. Finally he was out the door, all his stuff in hand with his tail between his legs, unable to make a sale. That dude should have just given us the damn scents, considering he just f*cked us out of two hours of our lives, while we had company and we made it abundantly clear that we had places to go and things to do.

Now, what is the moral of the story? Never do a survey over the phone, even if it is from a Maine number. You will lose two hours of your life, get picked on and lose a roll of paper towels, and that is just not worth it. I'm just saying...

Things that make me go hmmmm...

The following are a handful of things that have been bothering me lately. Thought I would share with you some of the things that keep me up at night. For those of you who watch The Daily Show with Jon Stewart on Comedy Central (or Hulu.com), picture the following said in the same manner as the "Back in Black" segments with Lewis Black. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, you are missing out...

Taxes. We are talking about taxes. Why does it have to be so damned difficult to understand?! Dumb it down for me, I don't understand all the mumbo jumbo. I pay in all year long, so I should get a chunk back at the end of the year, right? Well, it never freaking works out that way! It should be like a bottle deposit. When I buy my afternoon sugar free Red Bull, I pay an extra nickel for a deposit. When I return my Red Bull can later that month, I get that nickel back. That seems pretty straightforward to me. Why can't taxes be that simple?

What is it with ancient rockers playing the Super Bowl? I mean, yeah, The Who were really good during their time, but let's all be honest, they aren't exactly in their prime. Speaking of not in their prime, didn't anybody else see Pete Townshend's stomach hanging out from under his shirt, yikes! Why can't the NFL get a younger recording artist? Why not Taylor Swift or Lady Gaga? I mean, I really don't care, I'm not watching the halftime show anyways, I already know it is going to be over hyped and underperformed, so I guess it doesn't really matter to me. Just seems odd that the NFL continues to push past their prime performers out there year after year.

Has anyone seen the movie Bruno? It's another one of the character's played by Sacha Baron Cohen, better known as the man behind Borat and Ali G. For anyone that has seen his show on HBO, The Ali G Show, it was a riot. The movie Borat is one of the funniest movies I have seen. Then, there is the movie Bruno. This was one of the worst movies I have ever seen (if I can use that term, since I forced myself to fall asleep about 7 minutes into it). This movie made gay porn look tame. I would normally demand those 7 minutes of my life back that I actually spent watching it, but I appreciate that it forced me to go to bed earlier than I otherwise would have. If you haven't seen it yet, don't, unless of course you want to see more penis than a room full of, well, you get the point.

Sarah Palin. Tea Party Movement. Those five words are exactly what we don't need, however they are both being shoved in our face constantly right now. In a time when Democrats and Republicans need to come together more than ever before, Sarah Palin and her buddies, the Teabaggers, are doing everything they can to stir the proverbial pot. I'm pretty sure I can say that the bulk of Americans are tired of all the fighting in Washington and are anxious to see some things get done. However, Mrs. Palin is seeing this as an opportunity to get herself a little following of confused, upset people, and have them spew all their venom at the president. I think my favorite part of the whole convention is when she talks about how she is tired of the president being a "PROFESSOR OF LAW STANDING AT THE LECTERN!". Well, to all you teabaggers out there (is that the best name you could come up with?), that is exactly what she did to you guys for 41 minutes. Oh, and the whole jab at Obama for using a teleprompter, big flipping deal. At least he didn't have to write notes on his hand in marker, with one of the words crossed out?!

This is gonna get me in trouble with my lovely wife, but I have one last thing to ponder. What is the deal with this Bachelor show on ABC? Something about this concept doesn't add up for me. Take one single guy and toss a bunch of ladies at him, and have him try to whittle it down to the woman he is going to marry. OK, so the dude is "dating around" and working his way through the ladies. Then, as it gets closer to the end, he has now sort of fallen for each of them, and they have fallen in love with him. Leaving him to break hearts and potentially get his own heart broken too. Oh, and the ladies all live together during this process. Think of all the name calling and cat fights they don't show. Nothing about that makes sense to me. Fortunately it coincides with Big Monday on ESPN, so there is always college basketball on for me to watch in the other room. I'm just saying...

Everybody just calm down, it's gonna be alright...

Everybody's favorite west coast rapper from the 90's (at least he was mine) is coming to Bates College on February 27th. That's right, Snoop Dogg will be spitting out rhymes and laying down some funky beats, or whatever it is that the kids say these days. This sort of thing isn't new, colleges and universities all over this fine country have musicians, comedians and even freaking magicians perform all the time. Dave Matthews, Matisyahu and Suzanne Vega have all played the private Maine college over the years. Well, Snoop Dogg's upcoming performance has tightened panties all over this fine state.

The Portland Press Herald had a short, three paragraph snippet about the concert, simply mentioning that he had a day between other northeast shows and the student activity board had posted it on their website. This sounds cool, right? I mean, a small Maine college books a big name rapper to come play on campus. Maine isn't exactly a destination for big name acts, especially rappers, so there is certainly a demographic that is excited about this, and those young, college whippersnappers all enjoy beat boxing and free styling, right? Well, not so fast...

As I often do, I read beyond the article, down towards the bottom of the website, and checked out the comments associated with the article. Holy crapstick! People are PISSED! It appears that, a bunch of adults, none of which would attend the freaking show in the first place, think that Bates is crazy for letting "a thug, that has no value toward the advancement of the human condition and especially the dignity of women and living a life of substance and value!" come to campus. One person went so far as to say "This scum bucket has elevated misogyny and racism to an art form. Where are Maine's women in this? Bates' women? Why are they not screaming bloody murder?".

Now, let me remind you all something, it's just a musical performance. He isn't teaching Psychology 101 to all incoming freshman next semester. He isn't the new Dean of Students or even the god damned Hall Monitor. If you are so afraid that little Timmy is going to hear Snoop Dogg drop lyrics about "fucking hoes" or "smokin' weed", you better wise up and realize it won't be the first time he has heard it. Mr Dogg (we go way back, I like being polite) has been around for a while. I remember all to well torturing my parents to nice little tunes like Gin & Juice or Murder Was the Case, and check it out, I had enough common freaking sense to realize it was just entertainment. I didn't run to L.A. to join the Crips. If you are unable to separate the human being from the entertainer, you are simply an idiot. I'm just saying...

The night I was seduced by a local celebrity...

Friday night, there was a group of us that celebrated the birthday of one of our good friends, Nick. We started out at he and Rachel's place, chowing down on a variety of yummy eats followed up by some tasty birthday cake. We headed down to one of the local Irish watering holes for a night of Guinness pints and 90's cover songs. We spent most of the evening upstairs, telling stories and catching up with friends. Sometime around the midnight hour, we decided to make an appearance downstairs and hit the dance floor. Now, when I say that, of course, what I mean is that ladies in the group wanted to dance and the fellas were totally cool with watching from the sidelines.

Now, it's been said, on multiple occasions, that I have a way with the "cougars". For those of you who don't know what a cougar is, it is defined as a middle-aged woman who seeks out much younger men, or, simply an attractive older woman. I seem to find an older (and by that I simply mean 5 plus years older than me) women wherever we go. At a local beer festival we always go to, the woman behind the taps liked me so much she would bring me to the front of the line any time she saw me, and even had me pouring beer for myself by the end of the festival. Well, my "cougardar", as Nichole calls it, was in full effect Friday night as well.

There I was, standing at the back of the dance floor area of the bar. I was slowly sipping my final Guinness of the evening, enjoying watching all the people bounce around the room. Suddenly, a woman walks up to me and says, and I quote:

"why aren't you dancing?"

Those of you that know me know that I am not a big dancer. I'll get out there from time to time, but I'm just as happy taking it all in. So, I quickly come back to her with:

"I'm just watching, no need for me to dance."

"Is that a fucking challenge?!" is her immediate response.

At this point, I'm grinning from ear to ear, because this is freaking hilarious! When Nichole comes by to see if I am interested in joining her and friends I tell her the story, and she insists that I go dance with her. I weave my way to the front of the dance floor, where my new friend is dancing with her lady friends, and as she sees me she smiles and we start dancing. We enjoyed the grooves of several songs, got a few pictures snapped of us, and she even grabbed my beer for a sip at one point. After about 4 songs, the lights came on and the music stopped. She smiles and says she knew she could get me out there. I flash her a grin and tell her she is lucky, I don't dance often.

Of course, this was all in good fun, both she and I are happily married. But I ask one question, was I seduced, or was I threatened? Either way, what a fun story it has been to retell. I purposely left her name out of my story here, but you can decipher who she is by checking out the picture and then watching the local NBC morning news, I'm just saying...