I would like those last two hours back, please!

Saturday was a pretty busy day for us. I had to do the usual run to the transfer station, get the car washed, return our bottles and get ready for Nichole's big birthday bash at Rivalries. Add to that the fact that we had friends at the house, Nichole had plans to get a little shopping in, and we all had lunch plans we were looking to keep, all while maintaining a departure time of 6:30 to ensure on time arrival that evening at Rivalries. As many of you know, hell, you all know, Nichole and I aren't know for our punctuality. We don't need any reason, no matter how small, to slow us down. Well, we got that and then some on Saturday, around noon thirty. Here is some background info...

Last Monday night, the phone rings and it is a Maine cell phone number. Assuming it is one of our friends calling the house, I answer it, only to have that annoying pause, then a distant sounding voice ask me if I have a minute to do a quick survey. Now, I don't normally do these sorts of things, I typically say no thanks and hang up, but because of it being a local number, I decided to give it a try. It lasted about 3 minutes, asking just a few questions, mainly about cleaning products, more specifically, about our vacuum. They ended the call with the usual "we will be selecting a lucky caller to win a prize, so if we select your name, we will get back to you". Sure, sounds good, as if they would ever call me back. Well, Thursday night they call back, informing me that I have won. Sweet, now which do I prefer, the air purifier or the steak knife set? Aromatic air purifier sounds fun, let's go with that one I say. "Sounds good, we will bring it to your house between 12 and 12:30 on Saturday". Now, keep in mind I didn't give them our address, so I assume this is all over with and it basically left my brain at that point.

Fast forward to Saturday. I'm in Gray, washing the car with my buddy when Nichole calls with panic in her voice. The guy with our prize is there and I need to come home right now! Well, I tell her to have him present the prize to her and we are all set, right? Nope, not even close. I finish cleaning the car and head home, only to find this dude's car still in the driveway. I found this a little odd, but whatever, I'm home, he can give us our prize then be on his way. I was wrong again.

Ever heard of the company HYLA? Neither had I. Dick, the HYLA salesman spent the next two hours giving us this corny-ass presentation, describing how horrible regular vacuums are and how we are slowly killing ourselves by spreading germs, dust mites and dust and breathing it, and how the HYLA eliminates that. The HYLA is a vacuum that uses water as a filter, as opposed to bag filters like regular vacuums, and they claim it is much cleaner and better for your health in the long run. Now, I don't necessarily doubt him, the presentation made sense to me. I was close to being sold on it, but I had absolutely NO intention to buy it then and there. I like doing a little light reading before making decisions, check out Consumer Reports or even just scour the net to see what people have to say about them. Well, as we get to the end of the presentation (oh, and Nichole totally left me out to dry on this one, leaving to finish getting ready for the day) he finally gets to the price of the product. Any guesses? $500? $1000? Nope, this fancy little do-hicky comes in at a cool $2688!!! Are you freaking shitting me?! Oh, but he did offer me $500 off for sitting through the presentation. Wow! Well, let's just say he wasn't accepting no as an answer, but you better believe that is what he got!

He spent the next ten minutes trying to come up with a way that I would purchase the machine. He offered delayed payments starting in three months. He tried everything, and you could see his frustration level rising as I continued to say no to him. Then he started the guilt trip. Now, I come from a Catholic family, guilt trips are used often, I'm used to them, and I have learned to ignore them. Well, good ole Dick is pretty angry at me at this point. He says, "well, I guess I will have to clean this thing out, I just assumed I would be leaving it here with you." Dude, I'm sorry, maybe you should have yourself a display model?! Then he thrashes around in the sink, cleaning it out, using damn near a roll of our paper towels. After spending about 20 minutes cleaning it out and putting it all back in the box he is finally on his way, right? Not just yet...

Our "prize", the air purifier, has a variety of scents that can be added to the water to deodorize the room it is in. He put a splash of something in when showing us how it worked, so one bottle of the four pack had been opened. Now, normally the four pack of scents sells for $25, but because he cracked one of them open, he would sell us the four pack for just $21, what a steal! Well, I told him I couldn't afford to buy it because we just had a few bucks left and planned on using that later that evening when we went out to party. Now, this wasn't true, but he didn't need to know the difference. As he loaded up his goods, he made sure to make fun of me about a dozen times for being too broke to even afford the scents, saying I need a new job or to get a raise. Finally he was out the door, all his stuff in hand with his tail between his legs, unable to make a sale. That dude should have just given us the damn scents, considering he just f*cked us out of two hours of our lives, while we had company and we made it abundantly clear that we had places to go and things to do.

Now, what is the moral of the story? Never do a survey over the phone, even if it is from a Maine number. You will lose two hours of your life, get picked on and lose a roll of paper towels, and that is just not worth it. I'm just saying...

Things that make me go hmmmm...

The following are a handful of things that have been bothering me lately. Thought I would share with you some of the things that keep me up at night. For those of you who watch The Daily Show with Jon Stewart on Comedy Central (or Hulu.com), picture the following said in the same manner as the "Back in Black" segments with Lewis Black. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, you are missing out...

Taxes. We are talking about taxes. Why does it have to be so damned difficult to understand?! Dumb it down for me, I don't understand all the mumbo jumbo. I pay in all year long, so I should get a chunk back at the end of the year, right? Well, it never freaking works out that way! It should be like a bottle deposit. When I buy my afternoon sugar free Red Bull, I pay an extra nickel for a deposit. When I return my Red Bull can later that month, I get that nickel back. That seems pretty straightforward to me. Why can't taxes be that simple?

What is it with ancient rockers playing the Super Bowl? I mean, yeah, The Who were really good during their time, but let's all be honest, they aren't exactly in their prime. Speaking of not in their prime, didn't anybody else see Pete Townshend's stomach hanging out from under his shirt, yikes! Why can't the NFL get a younger recording artist? Why not Taylor Swift or Lady Gaga? I mean, I really don't care, I'm not watching the halftime show anyways, I already know it is going to be over hyped and underperformed, so I guess it doesn't really matter to me. Just seems odd that the NFL continues to push past their prime performers out there year after year.

Has anyone seen the movie Bruno? It's another one of the character's played by Sacha Baron Cohen, better known as the man behind Borat and Ali G. For anyone that has seen his show on HBO, The Ali G Show, it was a riot. The movie Borat is one of the funniest movies I have seen. Then, there is the movie Bruno. This was one of the worst movies I have ever seen (if I can use that term, since I forced myself to fall asleep about 7 minutes into it). This movie made gay porn look tame. I would normally demand those 7 minutes of my life back that I actually spent watching it, but I appreciate that it forced me to go to bed earlier than I otherwise would have. If you haven't seen it yet, don't, unless of course you want to see more penis than a room full of, well, you get the point.

Sarah Palin. Tea Party Movement. Those five words are exactly what we don't need, however they are both being shoved in our face constantly right now. In a time when Democrats and Republicans need to come together more than ever before, Sarah Palin and her buddies, the Teabaggers, are doing everything they can to stir the proverbial pot. I'm pretty sure I can say that the bulk of Americans are tired of all the fighting in Washington and are anxious to see some things get done. However, Mrs. Palin is seeing this as an opportunity to get herself a little following of confused, upset people, and have them spew all their venom at the president. I think my favorite part of the whole convention is when she talks about how she is tired of the president being a "PROFESSOR OF LAW STANDING AT THE LECTERN!". Well, to all you teabaggers out there (is that the best name you could come up with?), that is exactly what she did to you guys for 41 minutes. Oh, and the whole jab at Obama for using a teleprompter, big flipping deal. At least he didn't have to write notes on his hand in marker, with one of the words crossed out?!

This is gonna get me in trouble with my lovely wife, but I have one last thing to ponder. What is the deal with this Bachelor show on ABC? Something about this concept doesn't add up for me. Take one single guy and toss a bunch of ladies at him, and have him try to whittle it down to the woman he is going to marry. OK, so the dude is "dating around" and working his way through the ladies. Then, as it gets closer to the end, he has now sort of fallen for each of them, and they have fallen in love with him. Leaving him to break hearts and potentially get his own heart broken too. Oh, and the ladies all live together during this process. Think of all the name calling and cat fights they don't show. Nothing about that makes sense to me. Fortunately it coincides with Big Monday on ESPN, so there is always college basketball on for me to watch in the other room. I'm just saying...

Everybody just calm down, it's gonna be alright...

Everybody's favorite west coast rapper from the 90's (at least he was mine) is coming to Bates College on February 27th. That's right, Snoop Dogg will be spitting out rhymes and laying down some funky beats, or whatever it is that the kids say these days. This sort of thing isn't new, colleges and universities all over this fine country have musicians, comedians and even freaking magicians perform all the time. Dave Matthews, Matisyahu and Suzanne Vega have all played the private Maine college over the years. Well, Snoop Dogg's upcoming performance has tightened panties all over this fine state.

The Portland Press Herald had a short, three paragraph snippet about the concert, simply mentioning that he had a day between other northeast shows and the student activity board had posted it on their website. This sounds cool, right? I mean, a small Maine college books a big name rapper to come play on campus. Maine isn't exactly a destination for big name acts, especially rappers, so there is certainly a demographic that is excited about this, and those young, college whippersnappers all enjoy beat boxing and free styling, right? Well, not so fast...

As I often do, I read beyond the article, down towards the bottom of the website, and checked out the comments associated with the article. Holy crapstick! People are PISSED! It appears that, a bunch of adults, none of which would attend the freaking show in the first place, think that Bates is crazy for letting "a thug, that has no value toward the advancement of the human condition and especially the dignity of women and living a life of substance and value!" come to campus. One person went so far as to say "This scum bucket has elevated misogyny and racism to an art form. Where are Maine's women in this? Bates' women? Why are they not screaming bloody murder?".

Now, let me remind you all something, it's just a musical performance. He isn't teaching Psychology 101 to all incoming freshman next semester. He isn't the new Dean of Students or even the god damned Hall Monitor. If you are so afraid that little Timmy is going to hear Snoop Dogg drop lyrics about "fucking hoes" or "smokin' weed", you better wise up and realize it won't be the first time he has heard it. Mr Dogg (we go way back, I like being polite) has been around for a while. I remember all to well torturing my parents to nice little tunes like Gin & Juice or Murder Was the Case, and check it out, I had enough common freaking sense to realize it was just entertainment. I didn't run to L.A. to join the Crips. If you are unable to separate the human being from the entertainer, you are simply an idiot. I'm just saying...

The night I was seduced by a local celebrity...

Friday night, there was a group of us that celebrated the birthday of one of our good friends, Nick. We started out at he and Rachel's place, chowing down on a variety of yummy eats followed up by some tasty birthday cake. We headed down to one of the local Irish watering holes for a night of Guinness pints and 90's cover songs. We spent most of the evening upstairs, telling stories and catching up with friends. Sometime around the midnight hour, we decided to make an appearance downstairs and hit the dance floor. Now, when I say that, of course, what I mean is that ladies in the group wanted to dance and the fellas were totally cool with watching from the sidelines.

Now, it's been said, on multiple occasions, that I have a way with the "cougars". For those of you who don't know what a cougar is, it is defined as a middle-aged woman who seeks out much younger men, or, simply an attractive older woman. I seem to find an older (and by that I simply mean 5 plus years older than me) women wherever we go. At a local beer festival we always go to, the woman behind the taps liked me so much she would bring me to the front of the line any time she saw me, and even had me pouring beer for myself by the end of the festival. Well, my "cougardar", as Nichole calls it, was in full effect Friday night as well.

There I was, standing at the back of the dance floor area of the bar. I was slowly sipping my final Guinness of the evening, enjoying watching all the people bounce around the room. Suddenly, a woman walks up to me and says, and I quote:

"why aren't you dancing?"

Those of you that know me know that I am not a big dancer. I'll get out there from time to time, but I'm just as happy taking it all in. So, I quickly come back to her with:

"I'm just watching, no need for me to dance."

"Is that a fucking challenge?!" is her immediate response.

At this point, I'm grinning from ear to ear, because this is freaking hilarious! When Nichole comes by to see if I am interested in joining her and friends I tell her the story, and she insists that I go dance with her. I weave my way to the front of the dance floor, where my new friend is dancing with her lady friends, and as she sees me she smiles and we start dancing. We enjoyed the grooves of several songs, got a few pictures snapped of us, and she even grabbed my beer for a sip at one point. After about 4 songs, the lights came on and the music stopped. She smiles and says she knew she could get me out there. I flash her a grin and tell her she is lucky, I don't dance often.

Of course, this was all in good fun, both she and I are happily married. But I ask one question, was I seduced, or was I threatened? Either way, what a fun story it has been to retell. I purposely left her name out of my story here, but you can decipher who she is by checking out the picture and then watching the local NBC morning news, I'm just saying...

Can someone please explain something to me, please?

Last night was the State of the Union address presented by President Barrack Obama. He came out and admitted some things haven't worked the way he had hoped, he understands that the American middle class feel like he isn't speaking to them, and he can see that there is a clear division between the right and the left. This became more and more evident as the night went on. He then went on to touch on many key points that he plans to work on, including, but not limited to, creating more jobs, giving tax breaks to both small and large businesses, bringing troops home by late summer, getting rid of Don't Ask, Don't Tell, as well as picking back up health care reform. He asked for patience, reminding everyone that he campaigned for change, and that it wouldn't be easy, or happen quickly.

I thought he did a great job. He had stern words for both Democrats and Republicans. He pleaded both sides to get together and work hard to come to resolutions, not to just say no because they can, or to push their own political agendas. I feel like he did more to speak to the heart of America, the middle class. He touched on ways to encourage small business owners to create more jobs. He seems to realize what needs to be done with regards to health reform, and has hopes that both sides can get together to come up with the best possible solution.

In watching last night, there was a clear divide in the room. Based on my facebook friends status updates, and the subsequent comments, along with scanning some of the cable news networks, there is a lot of contention and negative comments. Now, here is my question. What would you have said differently? He touched on all the points the right have said he is ignoring. He plans to continue pursuing items the left side are interested in. He wants to get the final 10% of Americans back to work and see that we all have affordable health care that covers any condition we may have. He wants to see more jobs stay in the United States and pull our troops out of a war they should have never been a part of. Can someone please explain to me what the problem is here? I have heard one negative comment after another from the right side, with no real suggestion on what should be done. "Just a lot of bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah from Obama, do you get the picture????" or "I am sorry but I did not vote for socialism". OK, so then what would you do differently?

I am absolutely sick to my stomach watching people spew venom around with regards to the leader of our country. He has been in office for one short year. He walked into a mess and it has been a very difficult year. I'm not sure what people expect. I agree that more needs to happen, but I will reserve judgement for later on, once he has had more of a chance to follow through with some of his plans. I REALLY want to see people on each side come together, quit the name calling and finger pointing, and work on making our country the best place to live. I'm just saying...

Punxsutawney R2D2 and Clint Eastwood top American movie star of 2009?! Say what?!

The nut jobs at PETA are at it again, now targeting everybodys favorite groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil. The animal rights activists want to replace the real groundhog with a robotic stand in. They say it is unfair to keep the animal in captivity and subject him to the huge crowds and bright lights that accompany Groundhog Day, each and every February 2nd. But William Deeley, president of the Inner Circle of the Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, says the animal is being treated better than the average child in Pennsylvania. The groundhog currently lives in a climate-controlled environment and is inspected annually by the state Department of Agriculture. Deeley thinks, and I agree, that PETA isn't interested in Phil from Feb. 3 on, and is only looking for publicity. Gee, ya think! What's next, is PETA gonna go after Walt Disney because Mickey Mouse spends too much time in the sun, and is forced to wear that goofy suit?

A recent Harris Poll was conducted to determine the Top 10 American Movie Stars, and it was determined that Clint Eastwood was the number 1 American movie star in 2009. Um, what? Can somebody tell me what movie he was in last year? He starred in Gran Torino back in 2008, I'll give him that, but come on, the best American movie star? Better yet, number 7 on the list, down from 3rd last year, is John Wayne! John Wayne died the year I was born, and hasn't starred in a film in over 30 years! Who participated in this survey? How, in the hell, are Clint Eastwood and John Wayne considered top American actors, today? Johnny Depp, Denzel Washington, Meryl Streep or Tom Hanks, I'll give you those. I would even take Will Smith or Steve Buscemi over John freaking Wayne! Clearly, the people taking part in this poll don't have Netflix, an HD television, or even a recent newspaper. There should be a questionnaire that must be completed before a person is allowed to take part in the future. First question, how much did it cost the last time you went to the movie theater. If you don't remember, or it was less than $5, you cannot be a part of it. I'm just saying...

My yearly sales pitch

Every year, there are two fundraising activities that I take part in, and they both happen to take place in January and February. My seven year old daughter is working her way up the ranks at the Girl Scouts. It has been a truly great experience for her so far. She is learning about working in a team, community involvement, and, of course, selling COOKIES! We are aiding Kerrigan in attaining her goal of 300 boxes of cookies sold, which would beat the 250 boxes she sold last year. Everyone loves Caramel deLites, Peanut Butter Patties and Thin Mints. Our friend Amelie has challenged anyone to try to beat her and her work crew's order of about 40 boxes of cookies. Both Nichole and I have order forms, so feel to check in with us if you are interested. We have to turn in the order forms by February 5th, so get back to us as soon as possible. Cookies will be at our house in early March, and we will get them to you then, which is when we can get your money ($3.50 per box).

The other fundraising event I am a part of is the annual Bowl For Kid's Sake through the Big Brother Big Sisters. This will be my fourth year participating, and it is something I really enjoy being a part of. The Big Brother Big Sisters do great things for disadvantaged children in the Greater Portland area. Nichole, a former Big Sister herself, is who got me involved in the first place. Seeing the good spending a few hours a week did to her little sister was a wonderful thing to see. That being said, the Big Brother Big Sisters can use every dollar they can get to continue to do great things for local children. Our team this year has set a goal of $2000, with my personal goal being $500. I have 483 Facebook friends. If every friend gave just over a dollar, I would easily reach my goal. If you can give $2, $5 or even $10, that is a huge help, not only to get me to my goal, but to the great people at Big Brothers Big Sisters. Every, please go to my personal site, and give as much as you can. Remember, it's a tax write off, and it helps a great local charity! I'm just saying...