Monday, August 2, 2010

Intensity in Tent City...

If you look up the term "shit storm" in the dictionary, you aren't going to find anything. However, the Urban Dictionary comes in handy for this one, defining it as "A course of action that would appear to lead to a good outcome, but when undertaken, leads to a situation that is utterly out of control beyond human comprehension." I would say that this is a perfect way to describe the events of this past Saturday night.

Last Saturday started out like any other weekend when we have company in town. Nichole and I get up and clean up the kitchen, put on a pot of coffee and start making a big breakfast for everyone. Our guests from out of town start coming to and joining us. Breakfast is eaten, coffee is drank and people start getting ready for the nuptials of Mr. Jacob Pierson and Ms. Allison Thayer. Before you know it, everyone is showered up, dressed in their fancy wedding clothes and beers start getting consumed. Next stop, Run of the Mill brewpub in Saco to meet up with others we will be hanging out with for the remainder of this beautiful day. Some snacks and a few beers are put away quickly, and off to Biddeford for a very picturesque ceremony. The Pierson's must have paid some landscapers some good money, because the property looked amazing!

The ceremony was great. It was gorgeous outside, the yard looked perfect and the happy couple was beaming with pride as they exchanged their vows under perfect blue skies. The ceremony was short, the receiving line was long, and everyone was already having a great time. After congratulating both Jake and Allie, as well as both sets of parents, we took the short jaunt down through the backyard to the reception area. The reception tent was set up on the backside of the lawn, giving plenty of room for volleyball and croquet for us all later. We settled into table 10 with our crazy crew, and this is when all hell sort of broke loose.

See, both Jake and Allie are beer people. I don't just mean that they like beer, I mean, hell, we all do. These two, as well as a good number of their family and friends are fans of really good beers. This wasn't going to be a party with Bud Light cans and Amstel Light bottles, no sir. We are talking about 5 kegs of finely crafted brews. With these beers also came a higher alcohol content, and a greater likelihood of people getting a smidge silly a bit quicker. Well, table 10 did their best to prove this theory right.

The reception started out like most, with the introductions, first dance and cake cutting. Dinner was a great mix of both surf and turf with all the fixings to go with it. At this point though, people's evenings are starting to already get a bit fuzzy. See, someone brought both Bushmills and Hornitos, and shots were flowing. It was about then that a bunch of us thought volleyball was a good way to go. Well, after a small amount of blood, a sweet grass stain and some sore knees, we decided to move onto something else. Unfortunately, that something else was more beer drinking and something that was dubbed "floor Tequila", which is apparently a shot given by someone with a bottle of Tequila from under a table. Sounds shady in the first place, but bad decisions are always a given. I would love to say that things got better from here, but that would just be wrong.

Shortly after dark came the incredible fireworks show. When I say incredible, I mean exactly that, they were awesome. They actually put shows like those in Freeport or Portland for the 4th of July to shame. I would dare say they were the best display I have seen in the State of Maine, ever. The best part is, this is the portion of the program that is last remembered by a handful of guests, most of which sat at table 10. People start dropping like flies at this point. Some make it back to Tent Condo before they pass out, others are not so lucky. A couple of us were summoned back to find a significant other or two. Before long Tent Condo was creeping up on capacity and everyone that was calling it home for the evening was in place. What happened next is something that you really had to see, or in this case, hear, to believe. I was unable to sleep for the better part of the night due to all the commotion happening in every direction around me. Let's see if this recap can cover even half of it...

In a giant tent with 9 people in it, lots of sounds, off all sorts of varieties are expected to be heard. Snoring, farting, even talking, I'm fully expecting it all to happen this night, especially with this band of gypsies. While I heard some snoring, and a few farts, the real stories revolve a variety of other sounds. One Tent Condo guest spent the better part of her overnight stay fighting for blankets and talking, most of which is believed to have been in gibberish. I do believe I heard the words "move" and "chew" approximately 200 times, each time funnier than the previous. Next thing I think I hear, and I'm praying it wasn't what I thought it was, was the faint sound of a person of the female persuasion enjoying the company of a friend. Well, that was exactly what I was hearing, and I heard it for a while. In fact, many people heard it. Remember folks, if you are going to be tent sex girl, tent walls are mighty thin! Moaning and slapping sounds are very easily heard on a crisp Maine evening when tenting under the stars. I mean, it's not as loud as a NASCAR race, but it's pretty loud.

Once the petting and sweating ended (and not soon enough, might I add), the next round of craziness ensued. More mumbling about "move" and "chew" started back up and the next thing you know, someones cookies are tossed, inside Tent Condo. No biggie, cover it with a sleeping bag and back to sleep we go. Oh, sorry, not done yet, another round of cookie tossing shortly follows. At this point, I'm doing all I can not to just burst out laughing, but I'm unsure if I'm the only one coherently awake. Then I learn that at least one other Tent Condo guest is awake, as she asks her partner in crime if he will trade spots on the air mattress with her so she isn't laying directly in the previously tossed cookies. See, she sleeps under her sleeping bag, not inside it. Apparently, her husband didn't see it the same way, and he tossed this gem out (though, I'm not sure he was even awake for this outburst), "why can't you f$cking sleep inside your f$cking sleeping bag like a normal f$cking person". Now I'm doing everything in my power not to die laughing.

At this point, I just assume everyone is settling in and maybe going to sleep for a few hours. Nope, not exactly. Some more tugging and pulling for blanket supremacy took place. Someone got kicked, someone got punched, and all the while, neither of them woke up. Pretty impressive if you ask me. Finally, sometime shortly after the sun started to peak it's lovely face out I feel asleep. A short time later I had to wake up, just had to get out of the tent and find out if anyone else was awake all night like myself. Turns out, only a couple people actually slept all night, and a couple of us compared notes and determined that it was indeed a crazy night in Tent Condo.

A couple of things in closing. Hallmark does not make a card apologizing for puking in someones tent. If you are falling down, people aren't being weird, they are simply trying to help you. McGillicuddy's Peppermint Schnapps is, in fact, a great way to freshen your breath in the morning. When someone asks you to pull the car over, and you can actually hear the panic in their voice, pull the damn car over. Vegetarians don't like hearing about scrapple and how it is made. Would also like to both congratulate Jake and Allie, as well as thank them for throwing one hell of a party! You two are great, and we all had a blast! I'm just saying...