This past weekend was the bachelor party of one Jacob Pierson. This is where I would typically go into details telling you all about our adventures. Today is going to be a little different. It's not that I don't want to bore you with tales of our (mis)adventures while lazily paddling down the Saco River, though, these tales are legendary. No, I have a new policy. From now on, when someone has a bachelor party, the stories are only told in person. These pages have been known to be misread, or better yet, misunderstood in the past. That is not what I want to do here. What I am willing to do though is give some observations...
Too much Irish Whiskey can cause a person to sleep face down in sand, in only shorts, right beside their sleeping pad.
Rope swings aren't meant for everyone. The bigger you are, the faster you fall.
When getting a beer for someone in a kayak, don't make them reach, kayaks flip.
When planning who is riding in a canoe, don't put the two tallest people in the same boat. They are bound to end up in the drink.
Apply sunscreen before drinking for 5 hours, not after. And apply it all over, not just where your open fingers hit your arm.
When you start drinking at 7:00 AM, hang out in the sun all day, and only eat chips, you tend to pass out early.
Make sure to consult with the rest of your party before going grocery shopping, everyone doesn't need to bring 3 bags of chips each. Which reminds me, I don't want chips for a while, but, you are welcome Frito Lay.
Always drink with your non-dominant hand. There is always an asshole sitting back watching you, and you will have to pound your beer, I promise. BUFFALO!
Dr. Aloysius Percival McGillicuddy is the supposed genius behind, that's right, Dr. McGillicudy's Peppermint Schnapps. That being said, it's not really meant for cleaning your mouth out the day after a full day drinking session. You should still use a toothbrush and toothpaste.
Again, just some observations from the past weekend. I assume by how exhausted we all were even yesterday that we had a good time. We didn't lose anyone down the river, nobody got (more) injured, and nothing burned to the ground, so I would say it was a pretty successful trip. Something tells me there will be many more observations this coming weekend at the wedding. I'm just saying...