I've thought long and hard about who I want to align myself with when I run for president. I need to have strong, intelligent, disease free men and women by my side to help me make this country stronger. The following are just a handful of examples of who I would bring with me to Washington DC, and why...
First Lady: This one is a no brainer. I would hop into my hot tub time machine (in theaters March 26th) and go back and get Britney Spears circa 2000, back when she was hot, you know, before she went bat shit insane, shaved her head, married K-Fed and was in and out of rehab. Nah, I'm just kidding, I'm bringing Nichole, duh! This ensures the Husson vote.
Vice President: I've thought long and hard about this one. There are a lot of people I think would be a great fit for this post, but the one person I keep going back to is Jon Stewart (of The Daily Show fame). This guy is smart, he is on top of the issues, and would be able to turn every interview around and put the media in their place. Plus, if I was having a bad day, I could just have him play reruns of The Daily Show and I would instantly feel better. Oh, and the Jews would love it!
Chief of Staff: This was a tough one, as it needs to be somebody I can trust and want around me all the time. I've got a handful of really good guy friends I think I can trust my life with, but I'm not sure their wives would let them move to Washington with me. Hmmm... After much deliberation, I've decided that Nomar Garciaparra would be my man. I mean, think about it, he hates the press, so he will keep them away, and he's got a pretty good image (if you ignore that whole steroids rumor and the clubhouse cancer part), plus, he single handedly helped the Red Sox win their first World Series in 86 years back in 2004. When he got traded, they went on a tear and won it all, and you have to show your appreciation somehow. I think this would get me all of Red Sox Nation's vote.
Secretary of State: This position needs to be a strong, independant person. They need to have a solid background and be able to work well with leaders of other countries. This position has to go to Oprah Winfrey (I just locked up most of the female vote, chaching). She has done everything else, why not.
Speaker of the House: This person needs to be a rock star. The Speaker of the House would be second in line behind Jon Stewart if someone decided to take me out. Who would be able to run this fine country and look damn good next to me at speeches and during the State of the Union address? That's right, Chuck Norris. Chuck and I don't necessarily see eye to eye politically speaking, but as if I'm going to question him! Plus, having Chuck Norris around is like a second line of defense, just above the Secret Service. CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time, and we will go back to that, locking up the male 18-35 demographic.
Secretary of Defense: Since I am already going to appoint Chuck Norris as Speaker of the House (I'm kinda making up the rules on that one, I know), I have to put someone else in this position. Someone that understands the military would be a no brainer, since they oversee the Department of Defense. Well, I'm going to look logic in the eye and then spit in it. I'm going to appoint Mike Tyson the Secretary of Defense. Each branch of the armed forces should be pretty well managed at this point, so who better to oversee the whole deal then one of the greatest enforcers of all time. Who, in their right mind, would ever mess with Mike Tyson? You saw what he did to Alan on The Hangover, right? He's still got it!
Attorney General: The Attorney General is the chief law enforcement officer of the US Government, not a job to be taken lightly. This was a toss up for me, as I had it narrowed down to two people, with Dog, the bounty hunter, coming out on top. Steven Segal was a close second, but I'm not sure his cronies would be able to keep up as well as Dog's, and we need Steven to continue to patrol the fine streets of Jefferson Parish, LA. Dog should give me the mullet vote.
White House Jester: This would be a new position, and a very important one. Everything and everyone in Washington is far too serious. I would encourage making the mood much lighter when I move down. I would start by appointing Sarah Palin as the White House Jester. After her recent stand up attempt on Jay Leno, it's clear to me that her future is not in politics, but in making people laugh. Truth be told, I would just love to throw tomatoes at her for not being funny, that would really make my day. This ought to sure up my unsure Democrat's votes.
Based on these decisions, and some quick math, I should have an approval rating in the high 90's during my entire tenure, which of course, will be 8 years. I will do what I can to get rid of term limits, because that will be the desire of the people, but let's just go one step at a time. I'm just saying...